I don’t deal well with anger, neither my own nor others’. I think it’s relatively hard to get me upset but it can happen. And I don’t mean work-under-pressure kind of upset because this sometimes happens and it’s OK – it’s just an indication that I care about what I’m doing.
What I do mean is the kind of anger where you are really upset at one person and you’re about to say nasty things to him/her. That’s basically when I shut down. I learned that when I’m saying things out of anger I’m always sorry for it later. So I just shut up and take whatever it is the other person has to say to me. Unfortunately, shutting up isn’t a well-received response by people. It looks very much like indifference. If they only knew what I was about to say, they would probably prefer the silence.
Lately a friend of mine got angry at me. She criticized me for something I did. I think she was partially right but she was also very judgmental and blunt saying what she had to say. Not being the judgmental type myself, I don’t appreciate being judged. I didn’t want to hurt her so I ended the call (luckily, it was on the phone) and haven’t talked to her since. I’m too angry at her for saying the things she said and I have a feeling she won’t accept my criticism well and if she keeps talking the way she did it will just get me even more upset.
I think it’s time to review my relationships with some of my friends. I’m less willing to accept judgement and anger than I used to in the past.
How close are you to each other?
(what is close actually???)
I’m asking that, because:
If you’re close to someone and its mutual, you’re a lot open to each other’s pitfalls and feedback.
It’s part of friendship.
But it can have a downside.
We care a lot more and give more emphasis to friends interaction.
So if a friend offends us, our reaction can be very hard, because we expect him to know us and know our pitfalls, and present things from a deep and true knowing.
I sometimes get angry @ my wife but always cool off (eventually), after she understands and apologises and I blow up the “angry balloon”.
I want us to stay close.
It is very human to feel angry and get offended.
It is part of how relationships get stronger or weaker.
Times like these make you think about your relationships.
Thanks a lot for the comment, kila.
I understand what you mean about anger in relationships. I think I know how to apologize when an apology is in place. It does take me some time to understand my mistakes, though. It may seem like I don’t care, but when I’m angry I always think I’m right so I should cool off first.
Since I know you pretty well and also your wife, I know you two are good, kind, convenient people so it doesn’t surprise me that your desire to stay close eventually overcomes your anger.
That friend and I are close, but not close enough for me to accept her behavior, even a few days later when I’m less upset. The problem is I honestly don’t feel like talking to her again, fearing that I will encounter more anger.
Obviously I’m at a time where I’m rethinking parts of my life. I’m making some changes and this is just one of them.
You pay if you share your feelings, you pay if you don’t.
The only question is – where do you pay more?
As for me: I think I pay more for not sharing.
I agree. Sometimes, after I calm down, I decide that it’s worth the risk of sharing my feelings even if I might get hurt again.
And sometimes I decide that it’s not worth it. In this case, I’m still undecided.