Lately issues with girls have been troubling me, so I decided to write this post to get some of this off my mind.
In my past relationships with girls I’ve mostly been the best friend. Or, should I say, the “just friends” kind of a best friend. Being a pretty good listener I basically put myself in this position. It was my way of getting close to girls I was interested in and a natural choice, considering that I thought little of myself in terms of looks, sense of humor and general attractiveness in the eyes of members of the opposite sex.
Add to that the fact that, for me, a girl who can express her feelings is very attractive and bang!… years of suffering. I believe it to be at least 10 years. Different girls, of course, but some of those infatuations lasted quite a long time (longest, I believe, was 4 years.)
What does the life of the best friend look like? Full of ups and downs. If the girl has a boyfriend, you listen to how great he is and share the excitement, secretly broken hearted and never revealing (sometimes even denying) your true feelings about it. And if the girl is leaving a boyfriend you offer your empathy, secretly hoping that she will notice how good things are with you and choose you as her next boyfriend. Something which, obviously, never happens.
There’s a lot of ignoring the obvious when you’re the best friend. You think you see hints that the girl likes you but of course there are none. After all, if she really wanted you as a boyfriend she would have told you already – she tells you everything else so it’s not like she’s going to hide it. But you let your mind play tricks on you until some kind of realization hits you, usually with a lot of drama and heart ache.
These days things are a little different – I’m 32 and most girls I meet usually aren’t looking for a listener. And if it so happens that I like someone for more than just friendship but she’s not interested, I cut it off. That’s, basically, what happened with the last girl I wrote about – when she told me she’s not interested I said “that’s fine, but we can’t be friends.” It’s a shame that my way of dealing with it is avoidance, but it’s better than going into the friend zone again.
It’s not easy. I find myself fighting the urge to call her when I want to talk with someone. Knowing where conversations like this may lead, I think I’m making the right choice. I just wish I didn’t think about her as much.
Girls or women?
It is an ongoing challange to create intimacy.
I am sure that when you will be ready to be with a woman and build with her a long relation – you will be honest with her, tell her your feelings, and create intimacy, even with the risk of denial/rejection.
My experience is that if I hide my feelings, there is no room for intimacy. It is true for all kinds of relationship. Pepple can feel if I am intimate with them. Some kind of intuition or sense, I guess.
It enables what we call sometimes “chemistry”
I think the term girls is more common today, but it may just be an error on my side.
I understand what you mean about hiding feelings and lack of intimacy. You can say it took me a while, but I’ve learned that lesson well.
Thanks.